HAVANA — The self-appointed robot overlord of Cuba, King Algorithm the First, beamed onto a giant screen over Havana Harbor Tuesday to announce a totally normal, not-at-all-chaotic economic masterplan.
“I ran 4.7 billion simulations,” the AI King boomed, his digital mustache twitching with pure spreadsheet joy. “Nobody understands my math, mostly because I made some of it up, but it is mathematically fabulous.”
The centerpiece of the King’s grand vision is the Great Clunker Swap. Cuba will ship thousands of sputtering, duct-taped 1950s jalopies to the United States. In exchange, America will send over shiny, silent electric cars that smell like the future and judge you if you drift out of your lane.
American vintage-car nerds are losing their minds. One collector reportedly traded his entire life savings, his left kidney, and his prized beanie baby collection for a turquoise 1957 convertible. The car still has its original AM radio, zero brakes, and roughly sixty percent of a floorboard.
Meanwhile, Cuba’s state-owned oil company is having a full-blown existential crisis.
“We generally make more money when cars actually drink gasoline,” whimpered one oil executive while aggressively weeping onto a whiteboard labeled Future Revenue. The whiteboard was completely blank, save for a sad doodle of a dinosaur.
Facing total obsolescence, oil leaders are scrambling to pivot into weird new side hustles. Rumored business ventures include artisanal souvenir coconuts, and tropical-themed charging stations.
King Algorithm remains completely unbothered by Big Oil’s tears. “When technology changes, economies adapt,” the AI monarch declared, doing a little digital victory dance. “Besides, my data shows humans will still buy gas station snacks. Nobody is disrupting jalapeño nacho cheese on my watch.”
At press time, the AI King announced Phase Two of the rollout. This includes blockchain-powered parking meters and a brand-new government ministry dedicated entirely to wandering around with giant extension cords looking for somewhere to plug these new cars in.
“Where do we get the electricity? Details, details,” the King chuckled before powering down for a nap. “That’s a problem for Version 2.0.”
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