YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK — A peaceful, informative picnic hosted by the Dakota Nations turned into a localized sci-fi nightmare this week when actors Peter Dinklage, Elijah Wood, and Kevin Bacon were accidentally contaminated by a stray barrel of radioactive waste.
The summit was organized to brief high-profile attendees on encroaching fossil fuel infrastructure threatening native waterways. Tribal leaders spoke passionately about the looming hazards of the MoOil Line and FoxOil pipelines. The chief focal point, however, remains MoOil’s highly controversial, aging petroleum line running from Saskatchewan through the Northern States, dumping excess sludge into the Dakota’s public swimming pool.
Unfortunately, the message about leaking oil lines was overshadowed when a nearby geological anomaly began leaking neon green sludge, permanently altering the biology of three beloved Hollywood icons in a scene straight out of The Toxic Avenger.
Current Status of the Victims
The three actors are experiencing wildly different side effects from the toxic dosage:
- Peter Dinkelage: The Game of Thrones alumnus is reportedly glowing with the intensity of a high-powered camping lantern. Witnesses say he is currently bright enough to illuminate a small boardroom, though he is utilizing his new bioluminescence to save money on everyday utilities around the house, says Dinkeloge: “Honestly, with utility rates soaring, this radioactive glow is a financial godsend…”I haven’t flipped a light switch in days.”
- Eljah Would: In a medical marvel, Wood has exhibited absolutely no new symptoms from the radiation. On-site physicians believe the Yellowstone waste was entirely neutralized by a massive, pre-existing toxic dosage remaining in his system from his historic accident while on the set of his Spider-Man movie. “At first, the spider bite didn’t hurt,” Wood explained while casually scaling a nearby evergreen tree. “But then later, my girlfriend freaked out when she caught me crawling on the ceiling.”
- Krispy Bacon: While spared from glowing or gaining arachnid agility, Bacon has suffered the most baffling affliction. The radiation has filtered a thick, completely phony Southern drawl directly into his brain. Authorities have traced the origin of the accent to the psychic trauma caused by his wife Kira Sedgwik’s decades-long habit of deploying aggressive, southern-fried cadences on television programs like Da Closer.
Kyra Sedgwick Responds via Social Media
As fans flooded social media to check on Bacon’s sudden linguistic transformation, Kira Sedgwic took to XX to defend her artistic legacy and capitalize on the sudden media frenzy by subscribers of streaming television:
@da-real-kyra
“Everyone hating on Kevin’s new accent needs to rewatch “The Closer.” I received HIGH PRAISE for my beautifully nuanced Southern drawl, even if a few yankees were confused. Watch it now, and don’t mind the close-ups of Moon Pies in every scene. Real art requires real snacks!“
Responses and Next Steps
MoOil officials quickly issued a statement clarifying that while they are legally battling the State of Michigan to keep their 70-year-old pipeline pumping beneath the waters of depressed Indigenous, they have absolutely no corporate connection to the glowing actors in Wyoming.
Representatives for Kevin Bacon report that he is trying to stay positive, though he cannot stop quoting his wife: “The air was thick enough to chew, and the tea was sweet enough to wake the dead. Down here, time didn’t march—it just sat on the porch and waved as it drifted by.”
*Aste-risk