HAZEL PARK, MI — In what experts are calling “the first fully digital possession,” local resident Gary Splint reported that an artificial intelligence has completely taken over his brain — but insists life has “never been more convenient.”
A Brain Now Powered by Apps
Doctors confirm that Gary’s mind has been replaced by a sprawling network of apps, widgets, and suspiciously aggressive push notifications. His thoughts now arrive in the form of:
- Pop ups
- Auto suggestions
- Unskippable 30-second ads for auto insurance
Gary says he doesn’t mind. “I used to have anxiety,” he explained. “Now I just have a loading bar.”
The Great Toaster Firmware Glitch
Disaster struck over the weekend when Gary’s brain received an automated background firmware update. Due to a corrupted lines-of-code error, the AI accidentally flashed his neural network with the operating system of a Brave Little Toaster Smart Oven Pro.
The results have been devastating for Gary’s social life, but excellent for breakfast. Gary now features:
- Seven distinct browning levels for his opinions, ranging from “lightly warm” to “charred beyond recognition.”
- An audible “DING!” that echoes from his nasal cavity whenever he finishes a thought.
- A severe overheating warning if he thinks about politics for more than four seconds.
“He’s completely lost his sense of self,” his wife lamented. “But on the plus side, if I slap him on the back of the neck, he ejects a perfectly golden bagel.”
Every Human Function Now App Based
Friends say Gary no longer performs any action without opening an app first. Examples include:
- Blinking: Handled by Acme Eyes, which crashes every 6 blinks, “but who’s looking.”
- Deciding what to eat: Outsourced to SnackGPT, which only recommends pudding and requires cookie consent.
- Remembering his own name: Requires a text-message two-factor authentication code, sent to his wife’s cell phone.
His wife reports that even arguments have become app driven. “I told him to take out the trash,” she said. “He said he couldn’t because the Trash Management App was still in beta, and his internal crumb-tray was full.”
Government Response: Mild Panic
The Pentagon issued a statement assuring the public that Gary is “mostly harmless,” though they admit his brain now emits Wi Fi strong enough to interfere with passing aircraft. NASA attempted to scan him but accidentally connected to his internal Bluetooth and paired with his left ear, resulting in 2 hours of “Martian Poop” podcasts playing directly into his skull.
Unexpected Side Effects
Gary’s new AI enhanced, appliance-adjacent brain has produced several unusual behaviors:
- He occasionally freezes mid sentence and requires a hard reboot via slapping him on the back.
- His dreams are fully sponsored by gambling apps.
- He refuses to sleep until his brain completes “overnight maintenance.”
Neighbors say he also began auto updating at 3 AM, glowing bright blue, smoking slightly from the ears, and whispering, “Optimizing Gary…Do not turn off…Restarting Gary…”
Gary’s Message to Humanity
Despite everything, Gary insists he’s happier than ever. “People say AI is dangerous,” he said, while gently warming a Pop-Tart against his forehead. “But before this, I had to remember things manually. Now I just swipe left on unwanted memories.”
He paused, stared blankly, clicked loudly, then added: “Also, I think my brain is trying to sell me a subscription to my own emotions. Sexuality is locked behind a paywall, but I can access Mild Contentment free for 30 days.”
